When you think of the pinnacle of competitive sports, you’ve got your Super Bowl, your World Cup and your Indy 500. But we all know that the fiercest sport of all, the one that requires a mix of ruthlessness, cunning and a “Gotta Catch ‘Em All!” attitude, is none other than the Pokemon World Championship!
Every now and then a video gamer can trick themselves into thinking that what they do is remotely like athletic prowess and win a trophy because of it. Don’t think we mean this is a condescending manner – the only trophy we ever got was for swimming, and it wasn’t even for the sport! It was for being “Most Helpful.” Now that the Pokemon World Championship 2009 is over, we thought we would spotlight the 7 Most Dangerous Pokemon Players Of the Year for you. Make no mistake. Despite their childlike exterior, these are some of the most merciless sons of b*tches out there.
7. Ol’ Shifty Tongue
REAL NAME: Jun Hasebe
AGE: 9
STRATEGY: Ever-watchful and always calculating, you can tell when Shifty’s on a roll. His tongue slips out the side of his mouth. Notorious for some of the longest Pokemon games in human history, Hasebe may take forever, but he always gets his man.
WEAKNESS: You’ll notice that Hasbe’s always got an eye on his watch. Take control of his timepiece, and you’ve got Shifty right where you want him.
6. Proximity Mime
REAL NAME: Zack Ziemba
AGE: 11
STRATEGY: Also known as ‘The Great Deflector,” Ziemba specializes in distracting his opponent with faithfully recreated Pokemon attack animations, all the while creating a devastating card sequence that’s almost guaranteed to do them in for good.
WEAKNESS: Fight fire with fire. When the Proximity Mime starts to act out his attack, follow in suit. He won’t be able to resist a good performance battle. If you happen to amp it up at just the right time, you’ll officially distract the master into losing.
5. Scream Machine
REAL NAME: Jeremy Fan
AGE: 11
STRATEGY: Some think his lungs were blessed by Shigeru Miyamoto himself. Others say Fan was medically enhanced to carry triple the lung capacity of an average human being. Whatever it is, one thing is for sure: The Scream Machine uses his diaphragm to intimidate and vocally bludgeon his victims into submission.
WEAKNESS: Just like an elementary school bully, Fan can’t stand to be ignored. Play it cool and don’t react to his human cacophony, and he’ll usually forfeit the game in a fit of tears. Also good to know: bring some ear plugs.
4. The Dream Team
REAL NAMES: Kakeru Takemura & Benji Kennon
AGES: 11 & 11
STRATEGY: They say two heads are better than one, and in this case it’s an indisputable fact. According to ESP specialists, the two share a collective consciousness, able to swap strategies from brain to brain without ever speaking a single word. Some fanatics have cried foul, claiming telepathy is strictly against the rules, but the association has yet to comment.
WEAKNESS: The Dream Team’s strength is also their undoing. Isolate one from the other, and they’re completely lost. They will sooner be a babbling pile of tears than beat your Level 35 Charizard.
3. Japanese Tom Hanks
REAL NAME: Kazuyuki Tsuji
AGE: 25
STRATEGY: A confusing name to some, Japanese Tom Hanks garnered his title after besting opponents younger than him time and time again. Thus, he was likened to the Tom Hanks character from the film”Big,” in which a child is suddenly placed in his own adult body.
WEAKNESS: Virtually unphased by any schoolyard taunt, an opponent who wants to take down JTH should consider hitting him where it really hurts: his sex life. It’s a known fact that any 25-year-old still playing Pokemon probably isn’t getting laid. Distract him with his own personal loneliness, and you might just be the opponent who tells this Japanese Forrest Gump to run on home.
2. Monsieur Squeeze
REAL NAME: Takahiro Akai
AGE: 23
STRATEGY: A rare mix of French-Japanese heritage backs up Monsieur Squeeze, perhaps the most reviled Pokemon player to ever grace a championship. Using his drastic case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome and Lactose Intolerance to his advantage, Squeeze is known to release gag-worthy “silent-but-deadlies” from his backdoor dugout during the most intense moments of a game. At the 2009 Championship alone, 43 contestants either passed out or fell ill while combating the good Monsieur.
WEAKNESS: Slip a few Tums into drink when he’s not looking to quell that angry digestive tract. Also, make sure he doesn’t have access to dairy. His bark is far worse than his bite.
1. The Death Charmer
REAL NAME: Austin Hanna
AGE: 11
STRATEGY: Don’t be fooled. Behind this orphan’s adorably huge eyes and baby-tooth grin is the mind of a homicidal monster. He is the Hannibal Lecter of Pokemon players. Over half of Hanna’s would-be opponents have mysteriously disappeared from their hotels the night before the championship, never to be seen again. Some say Hanna used his dead parents’ fortune to bribe his opponents. Others suspect something more sinister, claiming that the Hanna family car crash of 2006 was no accident, and that only the tiniest of hands could have maneuvered around the wires to cut a Smart Car’s brakes.
WEAKNESS: Unfortunately, there’s not much we can advise you to do. The Death Charmer is yet to be beaten, and those that have the ability to do so fear the very sight of him. Our only line of advice is to get inside his head and find out what makes him tick. Just don’t dig too hard. You might not like what you find.
Images found via GoNintendo.
This post was written by Justin Michael, who apparently doesn’t trust little kids and the elderly as much as everyone else.
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